Green apples have invaded the Louver, and all Ottawa is in a ruckus. I am somewhat taken aback by these developments, having noted a small tomato bush growing from my forehead.

We have only yet to hear what the Klingons have to say. Chancellor Martock likes his cornbeaf extra crispy!

Uninterestingly, nine synergistic werewolves escaped from local breeding ponds last Thor’s Day. Guards watched helpless as the loquacious lycanthropes chewed their way through 8 solid feet of bubble-tape. My fellow Cambodians, isn’t this one outrage too many? When you cast your fishing lines last Tyr’s Day, cast them where they’re certain to catch more lobsters.

Opponents of the new measure are sure to point out that it measures centiliters as square feet. To that I reply: Aren’t you fed up with hallucinogenic toadstools? My opponent would have your little ones tripping their balls off every morning before masturbation. My friends this am Still America, and we demand sweet ecstasy pills with our religiously imposed autoejaculation.

By now the astute reader will have noted that everything I have written thus far has been nonsense, and is asking an explanation–nay demanding one–aiee! I feel your outrage from here!

The explanation is simple. It has come to my attention that I live in a country where a president can give a false justification for going to war, admit that it was false, and be elected with 72% of his followers still believing it. That’s a real statistic: as of October that’s the percentage of Bush supporters who believe that Saddam Hussein had either actual weapons of mass destruction or an active program for developing them.

This is according to a study conducted by the Program on International Policy Attitudes. You can find it online at pipa.org. In the meantime here’s some more fun tidbits:

75% of Bush supporters believed that Hussein’s Iraq was providing substantial support to Al Qaida. About 70% even managed to convince themselves that Bush is an internationalist, supporting the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty (69%), the treaty banning land mines (71%), and the Kyoto Protocol (51%).

That is to say, the country all-but-overwhelmingly chose to reelect a president it actually knew nothing about, and in fact disagreed with.

So how does that relate to me spouting gibberish and passing it off as a newspaper column?

Well, it’s simple. See, I fancy myself something of a “pop”� writer, you know, a slick young hipster keeping ahead of the trends in these fast paced times, & it seems reality is on the way out. How else can you explain the fact that 53% of Bush’s supporters believe he supports American participation in the International Criminal Court, even after he explicitly (and emphatically) said otherwise during the debates?

The people have spoken. Insanity is the new black. From now on nothing I write in this column will be remotely connected with reality in any form.

On related tunes, it seems that Pop Migglewyer of Muddinghole Lane hurt himself today after an inordinately milky bowl of oatmeal caused him to fall out of his three-door sombrero. Mr. Migglewyer was unavailable for comment, but the oatmeal has threatened legal action.

Save a tree, eat my wife.

Inchworms vote Shriver-arian.

Free the Candyland Seven!

Fin.