(Apologies on that last one; came out much harsher than intended; meant only as a bit of ribald torment.)

Oooh…okay, good burn.

But in my defense, it doesn’t take that much gullibility to think that’s an actual quote. We are talking about Pat Robertson here. He says crazy-ass shit like that all the time.

I can’t believe he actually cited the Spanish inquisitors as role models

Good.

‘Cause he didn’t.

That was a joke.

Schedule your gullibility meter to be in the shop this weekend, you’re obviously past your 30,000 mile tune-up.

I can’t believe he actually cited the Spanish inquisitors as role models! Why is the FCC worried about Janet Jackson’s breast when this lunatic is still allowed to open his mouth on television?

Commando for Christ: In this first-person shooter game, you are a warrior of God sent to rid the world of terrorists, sodomites, pagans, Latin American heads of state and other threats. Your goals are to kill off as many of these evildoers as possible and avoid getting killed yourself.

Actually, that’s not as unrealistic as it sounds:

In adventure game Timothy and Titus, from Australian startup White Knight Games, players assume the roles of the two disciples of St. Paul who spread the gospel throughout the ancient Mediterranean.

Instead of the health and weapons points used in other role-playing games, players collect love, hope and faith points to power their missions. When they meet foes, instead of fragging them as in Halo 2, the disciples earn their halos by praying for them or using the “finger of God” to drive out evil spirits.

Courtesy of my morning Metro mini-mag:

If Robertson’s media blitz went too far…
by Robin E. Cook

Pat Robertson held a press conference following his comment that the United States should “take out” Hugo Chavez. “I’ve completely been misunderstood,” he snapped. “People ask how a man of God can say such things. Well, does being a man of God make me a wimp? I’m as much of a fighter as our commander-in-chief!
“Christianity needs an image makeover,” Robertson continued. “No more of that simpering, turn-the-other-cheek stuff. I like the kick-butt, take-no-prisoners appraoch popularized by the Spanish inquisitors. Now, they knew how to be tough!” To promote his new vision, Robertson has branched out from cable television into multimedia projects. He announced a new line of Christian-themed computer games, including:

Commando for Christ: In this first-person shooter game, you are a warrior of God sent to rid the world of terrorists, sodomites, pagans, Latin American heads of state and other threats. Your goals are to kill off as many of these evildoers as possible and avoid getting killed yourself. Why are you acting surprised by this? Martyrdom is for sissies! Get out there and shoot!

Sim Ministry: Build your own Christian media empire, just like Pat did. Start with a small congregation in the middle of nowhere and branch out into television and politics. But watch out for all the natural disasters and terrorist attacks that occur when God gets angry at the secularists running the world.

Holy Hellfire: You are a fantasy role-playing gamer sent to Hell because of your love for Dungeons and Dragons and Harry Potter. (That’s witchcraft, dummy. Didn’t you read the Bible?) After you repent your sins, your goal is to escape Satan’s realm with your fellow sinners (including a goth, an astrologer, and an ACLU lawyer). You and your allies descend the different levels of Hell and face off against Satan during the final chapter of the game. You win the game by ascending to Paradise.

Christian Civilization: Sort of akin to the best-selling “Civilization” strategy game, only this time you’re limited to playing America and Western Europe. Starting at 1 A.D., you build your civilization while fighting off pagans, Muslims, Aztecs and other non-Christians. You’ll also have to get rid of all of those sneaky Hebrews who want your money. The best part of all is that you get to conquer the Holy Land during the Crusades and keep it, thus preventing a lot of unpleasantness centuries later.

Grand Theft Collection Plate: Forget all that Ten Commandments junk. This time, you get to play a sinner. You can be a hypocritical priest or a conniving congregant. Throw rocks at stained glass windows. Steal money from the collection plate. Get plastered drinking communion wine. Conduct a torrid love affair with the Sunday school teacher. The game is rated “M” for mature. This means no children playing, or Hillary Clinton will come after you.