by Steve Thomas
A vampire has been calling me on the telephone.
At least once a week I hear his strange voice, thick with the need for my blood demanding “May I speak to Ste-fen Thomas?� The accent is Pittsburgh black, not Transylvania Cartoon, but the terror it inspires is the same.
The sinister voice goes on to demand that I come to the vampires’ lair somewhere in the decadent heart of downtown and allow them to drain a pint of my blood. Of course this being the politically correct modern era the vampires claim not to want my blood for themselves—no, they intend to give it to three other people whom, they say, need it far more than I do.
by Giulianna Lamanna
Many songwriters will tell you that it’s hard to write a song. Those songwriters are liars. It’s only hard to write a good song. You can churn out bad songs like farts after a baked bean buffet. However, if you want to write a truly awful song, there are certain guidelines you must follow. You don’t want to set yourself the lofty goal of penning the worst song ever written only to find out that you missed several perfect opportunities to use clichĂ©s and bad grammar. It is for those dreamers that I have written this tutorial on bad songwriting. If you genuinely want to reach new heights of abomination, you can’t afford to miss this article.
by Steve Thomas
One of my favorite arguments against wildlife protection (and one often spouted by the empty-eyed zombies of the Lyndon LaRouche Youth Cult) is the fact that—
(the faint of heart might want to quit reading now)
Big predators like bears and wolves sometimes (heaven forfend!) injure people!
Just a minute ago I heard a piece of drivel to this effect spouted on that bastion of sycophantry–er, pinko-liberal media treachery–60 Minutes:
“It’s one thing to protect the grizzly bear as an American icon,� an appalled voice spouted. The announcer went on to present Shocking Statistics: As many as eight – EIGHT! – people were attacked by grizzly bears last summer alone!
by Jason Godesky
Centuries from now, our tribal descendants will likely celebrate annual fairs, just as our ancestors did in the Paleolithic. Tribes will converge to trade stories, exotic resources, art and mates in week-long festivals that will combine religious holidays with country fairs and an annual market. Shamans will perform important rituals in deep caves; craftsmen will trade exotic seashells, statuettes, and other ornaments; storytellers will exchange ideas to revitalize their repertoire; there will be boisterous days of celebration, and long nights of dance and music. I believe one of those fairs will undoubtedly take place in the ruins of what was once called Richmond, IN, where our descendants may pause to remember that weekend in 2005 when the great breakthrough was made, and the New Tribal Revolution united.
