One of my favorite arguments against wildlife protection (and one often spouted by the empty-eyed zombies of the Lyndon LaRouche Youth Cult) is the fact that—

(the faint of heart might want to quit reading now)

Big predators like bears and wolves sometimes (heaven forfend!) injure people!

Just a minute ago I heard a piece of drivel to this effect spouted on that bastion of sycophantry–er, pinko-liberal media treachery–60 Minutes:

“It’s one thing to protect the grizzly bear as an American icon,� an appalled voice spouted. The announcer went on to present Shocking Statistics: As many as eight – EIGHT! – people were attacked by grizzly bears last summer alone!

I did not stay to hear the whole of the story. I know how it went to go: “Conservation is important, but aren’t some extremists taking things a bit too far?�

So, last summer 8 people were attacked by bears. Pretending the same statistic holds for every season (which it doesn’t since people don’t spend as much time in the woods during the winter), 32 people were attacked by bears in 2004.

Meanwhile, in that same year, 3 million Americans were injured in car accidents. 40,000 of them were killed.

3 million hurt! 40,000 dead! Where the fuck are the denunciations of the auto industry as a gang of extremists? Where are the demands for a moratorium on road construction or an end to the suburban commute-culture?

Nowhere.

It gets even more disgusting when you combine these statistics with the fact that the penalty for murdering a grizzly bear can be as little as a couple-thousand-dollar fine, while Jeff Luers is in jail for 22 years for having the audacity to “murder” a couple of SUVs.

My brain is on the verge of exploding. I have never seen a more stunning example of the violence built into this society. When meager efforts at protecting a species nearly wiped out by our economy result in the death of one or two people, it’s an outrage. But when the violent death of 40,000 of our citizens is built into the fabric of our economy—

I can’t end that sentence, because there is no response whatsoever. It’s just the American Way of Life. And as Vice President “Diabolically Evil Dick” Cheney has informed us, “The American Way of Life is non-negotioable.

In this sick society, committing to a way of life that murders tens of thousands of our people–literally, one Vietname War’s worth–every year is okay, but sacrificing one or two Human Beings for our fellow-life is extremism.

***

I was going to end this piece with a pissy little “I hate this culture” sentence and be done with it, but I’ve changed my mind. My adrenaline’s up, and I feel the need for action. Here’s my plan:

The Plains Indians had a system of “counting coups,� whereby brave actions in battle entitled the warrior to add certain items to his costume. I suggest a new system of “counting coup�:

Every time you cause a significant increment of damage to the car culture, you’re entitled to wear a new piece jewelry of some sort. The items themselves should be industrial-derived, so it’s kind of like hanging a scalp on the wall of your tent.

For instance, creating a pothole counts as a level one coup, and earns the vandal—maybe—an earring. Tearing down a stop sign is a slightly higher honor.

Destroying an SUV, of course, counts double a normal car, while causing an actual traffic accident is one of the most honorable things a warrior can do.

The government will be upset with us at first—but later they might thank us, as we free up more oil for their war machine. If enough people commit to this system, we can have an all-out war on cars in America within the year. It would be no different from what they’ve done to us!