So I was walking up Murray Avenue earlier today, sipping my “venti” mocha frappuccino (God dammit, I thought “venti” meant “medium” and “grande” meant “large!” Stupid pretentious Italian-esque names…) and trying to justify buying from a giant, evil corporation of +5 evilness. (Not that I’m entirely sure what makes Starbucks evil, unless you can count pretentiousness as evil, but it’s a giant corporation, so it must be evil somehow.) My reasoning boiled down to something like: “Well, I could buy coffee from the 61c Cafe further down the street, but I don’t want coffee. I want a chocolate milkshake with a thimble of espresso in it. Then I want to race home on a kick-ass sugar rush and italicize everything.”

So I get home and I find out that apparently, on some Starbucks cups, there’s a quote from gay author Armistead Maupin that goes something like this:

“My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don’t make that mistake yourself. Life’s too [expletive] short.�

The expletive here is “damn,” but when you replace anything with the word “expletive,” that tends to lead people to believe that it’s something like “ass-rape-shit-Satan-fucking.”

Unfortunately, the only thing printed on my frappuccino cup was the logo with the trippy little mermaid (Yeah, a coffee house marketed towards hip 20-somethings with a logo that features a mermaid is gay-friendly. Go figure.) and the check-boxes along the side indicating whether the drink is decaf, or contains milk, etc. By the way, has anyone else noticed that those boxes never have any check marks in them? They’re like the little bubbles on soda tops that the clerks are supposed to press in to indicate whether it’s cola or Sprite or root beer or whatever. But no matter what, the little buttons are never pushed in. Why are they even there if no one uses them?

But I digress. From what I can gather, the source of this outrage is none other than Beverly LaHaye’s organization. For those of you who don’t know, Beverly LaHaye is the wife of Tim LaHaye, author of the laughably awful Left Behind series. Actually, technically, he’s not the author. He came up with the concept, knew he couldn’t write fiction, and hired the best professional writer he could find - I shit you not - to write it for him. The series was originally intended to be seven books long (one book for every year of Tribulation), but they got greedy and extended it to 12 books, despite the fact that they had very obviously run out of ideas long ago. (The last book has something like 16-point letters and two-inch-wide margins.)

But enough LaHaye bashing. (Ha-ha! Just kidding! Is there ever enough LaHaye bashing?) Apparently - and this is a serious newsflash here - fundies hate the homosex. While I am proud to be the first blogger ever to uncover this little-known story, I’ll try not to let it go to my head. What I will say is this: the Christian fundamentalists’ anti-gay stance is seriously hurting them in a number of ways, namely fashion-wise. Having just today seen a picture of Beverly LaHaye for the first time, I can’t help but identify the makeup technique used by most female conservative Christian leaders as a desperate cry for help. All these women appear to have graduated from the Katherine Harris School of Tranny Glamor. Now, I’ve never approved of the catty, shallow, materialistic streak in gay culture. But if ever there was a person who needed the Fab Five…

But there are things more important than makeup. (Shocking, I know.) For instance, that Tim and Beverly’s son, Lee, is an openly gay, practicing, agenda-d homosexual.

And also, he likes guys.

This should hardly be a surprise to anyone. Just sit down and count the number of vehemently anti-gay culture warriors with gay children. Actually, count the number that don’t - it’ll take far less time.

• There’s Mary Cheney, daughter of our vice president.
• There’s Maya Keyes, daughter of Alan Keyes.
• Then there’s Candace Gingrich, sister of - yep, you guessed it - the Newt. (He got better…)
• Oh yeah, and also, Phyllis Schlafly’s son John is gay.
• …and Randall Terry’s son, Jamiel.
• …and Sadie Fields’ daughter, Tess.
• …and William J. Knight’s son, David.
• …oh yeah, and also Scott Coors.

Now, I’m not pointing any fingers here, or making any suggestions. I just want to point out four different trends regarding homosexuality.

Trend #1: So far, the scientific evidence points towards a biological basis for homosexuality.

Trend #2: Often, gay people attempt to cover up their homosexuality by being almost obsessively anti-gay. Case in point.

Trend #3: A great deal of anti-gay politicians have gay children.

Trend #4: Also, their wives look like trannies.

Like I said, I’m not saying anything in particular about anything. I’m just pointing out a few different trends that are tangentially related to the topic at hand. If you happen to connect them in a way that suggests that a number of anti-gay politicans are closet cases, well, that’s just your own cynical conclusion. I certainly do not advocate pointing out the hypocrisies of people who disagree with me. You can’t spend your whole life laughing at people who disagree with you. Life is just too ass-rape-shit-Satan-fucking short.