The Ecology of Zombies

by Mike Godesky

From feasting on human flesh to their starring roles in our most beloved B-movies, zombies have been an integral part of American life for generations. But now, experts believe that our favorite undead abominations may be in jeopardy. According to a recent study, the zombie species’ precarious position on the food chain puts it in danger of extinction.

The theory comes out of the interrelation between population and food supply. In addition to their slow speed, one of the most debilitating characteristics of zombies, according to ecologists, is their reliance on a single food source—human brains. Typically, this means that the zombie population rises and falls in proportion to the human population. A rise in the human population produces more food for zombies, which means that the zombie population will also grow. This will continue until there are too many zombies for the human population to support, at which time the zombie population will decrease, and the human population will begin to rise again. Thus, the two species exist in a sort of equilibrium. This relationship can be seen in the chart below.

However, unlike their homo sapien prey which will eat practically anything, zombies will not eat anything other than this single food. Due to this lack of diversification in their diets, any unexpected change in the human population could have potentially disastrous results for the species. This has some zombie rights advocates concerned, given the volatile nature of the human population.

According to a spokesperson for the Zombie Preservation Society (ZPS), “With all of the threats facing humanity, from nuclear weapons, to global warming, to overpopulation, zombies’ singular reliance on human brains for food could very well prove to be their undoing.”

There may yet be hope for these hellish creatures, though. Zombie expert Dr. George Andrew believes that the zombie’s concept of food is largely socially constructed and that zombies can be taught to take advantage of other sources of food. Said Andrew, “We know that zombies are physiologically capable of eating a wider variety of food than just humans. For instance, chimpanzee brains and gorilla brains have been shown to be at least as suitable for the nutritional needs of the zombie body as human brains.” Andrew is currently working to learn what foods zombies are capable of eating and hopes to help the failing species by introducing this wider variety into the zombie population.

Meanwhile, zombie lovers everywhere continue to hope and pray that their favorite undead monster does not go the way of the dinosaur mummy.

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  1. […] Being pickier than koala bears has been the only advantage we’ve enjoyed over these living dead. Since they only eat human brains, we’ve been caught in a vicious cycle with these monsters. As the zombie hordes grow, the number of survivors grows tiny, leaving the zombies with no brains to consume. They languish, while the human population starts to rise again—but that replenishes the stock of healthy brains, and the whole, terrible cycle begins again.3 […]

    Pingback by The Zombie Apocalypse (The Anthropik Network) — 31 October 2006 @ 10:32 AM


Comments

  1. Peak Brain.

    Comment by JCamasto — 31 October 2005 @ 2:52 AM

  2. This is not a graph of snowshoe hares and Canadian lynxes, it is humans and zombies, dammit!

    Comment by Jason Godesky — 31 October 2005 @ 11:09 AM

  3. I make a living out of killing those bastards.

    Comment by Bret Davis — 31 October 2005 @ 3:50 PM

  4. We are, in fact, zombie exterminators. Professionally.

    Comment by Toro — 31 October 2005 @ 7:55 PM

  5. Let it be known, to the people of the land, that CPS declares almighty war upon the ZPS for their treacheries.

    Comment by Bret Davis — 31 October 2005 @ 10:00 PM

  6. uh…i love those zombies man i even married one…then she got a little uh…hurty…so i blasted her brains out…ya…god im lonely

    Comment by Rahab Faeruin — 3 November 2005 @ 11:53 AM

  7. “Knock-knock!”

    “Who’s there?”

    “Zombies.”

    “Zombies who?”

    “Zombies make honey and zombies don’t!”

    /ducks and runs

    Comment by Thomas Rondy — 10 September 2006 @ 12:18 PM

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