Helene is Coming to Kill You All
by Giulianna LamannaToday marks the beginning of the 2006 Atlantic hurricane season. According to Jeff Masters at The Weather Underground,
This is the highest level of activity [the forecast team at Colorado State University] have forecast in their 23 years of making these predictions. They put the odds of a major (Category 3-4-5) hurricane crossing the U.S. coast at 82% (average for last century is 52%). The U.S. East Coast (including Florida) has a 69% chance of a major hurricane strike (31% is average), and the Gulf Coast, 38% (30% is average). In addition, there is an above-average risk of major hurricanes in the Caribbean.
Which sounds horrifying enough. But wait - it gets better. Last year, CSU’s May 31st forecast called for 15 named storms, 8 hurricanes, and 4 major hurricanes. As you may recall, we ended up with 27 named storms, 15 hurricanes, and 7 major hurricanes, 4 of which were category 5. The 2005 Atlantic hurricane season broke pretty much every record in the book except number of major hurricanes. 1950 beat us on that score by exactly one. It’s very likely that they are underestimating this year’s hurricane season as well, partly because, apparently, global warming is way, way worse than we thought it was going to be. Specifically, 15-to-78% worse. Which, I admit, is not all that specific. But given the predictions made about what global warming will do (is doing) to the planet, even 1% is enough to make you mess your pants.
Oddly enough, this spirals nicely into another recent obsession of mine: baby names. (It’s kind of an occupational hazard of writing fiction.) As I glance over the list of 2006 hurricane names, it’s kind of like looking in the window of a hospital nursery and wondering, “Which one of you will become serial killers?” Which of these names will be forever associated in the American mindset with mass destruction? Possibly the destruction of an entire city? With my luck, it’ll be my favorite name on the list: Helene. But whichever names end up getting dragged down with a Cat.5 hurricane’s bad reputation, strangely enough, the association may actually make the name more popular with expectant parents. The Baby Name Wizard discussed this phenomenon twice: once on July 28, 2005 and again on May 12, 2006, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Astonishingly enough, the name Katrina increased in popularity in 2005 - as did Camille in 1969 and Alicia in 1983.
If the name sounds new and fresh (and several of the 2006 hurricane names fit in nicely with the recent “retro metro” naming trend), hearing the name spoken over and over again on television will most likely make the name more popular - especially, oddly enough, with parents who live in the affected area. However, the same thing won’t happen for names that have fallen out of fashion. Hurricanes Joyce and Kirk can destroy as many cities as they want, but it’s not going to make them sound any less 80’s. On the other hand, it might not be terribly unusual to hear, “Florence! Florence, come back here RIGHT NOW!” at your nearest mall in a few years’ time.
That is, if Hurricane Florence herself doesn’t flatten said nearest mall between then and now.
In other words, they really have no idea what’s going to happen.
Helene? Really? It’s so weird sounding. That’s a name that should definitely have an A at the end of it. Now “Valerie” is a much prettier name for a girl.
Although, I do miss the days when Katrina was simply the hot vampire from Quest for Glory IV.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 1:44 PM
I do prefer Helena to Helene, but I still think Helene is a pretty name.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 2:31 PM
The Hurricane name list is recycled from yr 2000 - lame! Let’s make our own… (starting w/ male, then alternate…)
Ready, set, go!
Adolf
Comment by JCamasto — 1 June 2006 @ 4:24 PM
Bertha
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 4:28 PM
Claudius
Comment by Mike Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 5:24 PM
Damaris
Comment by Jason Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 5:31 PM
Earl
Sorry, Jason, but I’ve never liked that name…
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 5:44 PM
Now you speak blasphemy against the Duke of Earl.
And also, Freya
Comment by Mike Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 6:19 PM
Gaylord
This name must be destroyed. End the playground taunting before it starts. Nip it in the bud before the kid even leaves the womb.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 7:42 PM
Hagar
Comment by JCamasto — 1 June 2006 @ 7:53 PM
Ignatius
Comment by Jason Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 8:00 PM
Jessamyn
Comment by Vicky — 1 June 2006 @ 9:06 PM
Kunta
Comment by JCamasto — 1 June 2006 @ 9:14 PM
Kristen or Kristin. Because every third girl I meet has that name. END THE TYRANNY!!!1!
Comment by scruff — 1 June 2006 @ 9:15 PM
Sorry, scruff, but we’re going to have to go with Kunta (is that a real name?) because it’s male/female/male.
Legna
(”Legna” is “angel” spelt backwards, and is the latest - and ugliest - craze in the “name your baby something hideously blasphemous… backwards!!” trend.)
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 9:22 PM
Aw crap! Obviously I am too easily confused to play this game. I retract, and re-insert Kent.
Comment by scruff — 1 June 2006 @ 9:29 PM
Isn’t it supposed to alternate between male and female names? So we really needed a male name for L. But anyway…
Meldanen
And Jim, let’s try to keep it clean.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 9:36 PM
We were alternating… here’s how the list went:
Adolf (m)
Bertha (f)
Claudius (m)
Damaris (f)
Earl (m)
Freya (f)
Gaylord (m)
Hagar (Which, despite its “horrible” namesake - hahahahaha! - is still a girl’s name)
Ignatious (m) (As in, Theodore Gershwin Ignatious Friday, the founder of TGI Friday’s, as you and Jason will recall…)
Jessamyn (f)
And then we hit K, and the whole thing went to hell. Not sure if Kunta is a male name or a female name or just something Jim made up to be dirty.
But ideally, the rest of the list should go like this:
K - male
L - female
M - male
N - female
O - male
P - female
Q - male
R - female
S - male
T - female
U - male
V - female
W - male
BTW…
Nevaeh
I hate this retarded non-name with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 9:41 PM
Obadiah
Comment by Jason Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 9:51 PM
Sheesh. Youngsters…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kunta_Kinte
Comment by JCamasto — 1 June 2006 @ 10:27 PM
The names I despise the most are the alternative spellings, so in that spirit:
Pawylleighn
Comment by Vicky — 1 June 2006 @ 10:40 PM
Kunta, generally pronounced coon-ta not, um like youse gutter minded folks are thinkin’…
-Jim
Comment by JCamasto — 1 June 2006 @ 10:42 PM
Quigley
Because “Hurricane Quigley” is hilarious on at least three different levels.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 10:44 PM
Rapunzelle
Comment by Jason Godesky — 1 June 2006 @ 10:46 PM
Inspired by Harry Potter…
Snape
…ON A PLANE!!!!!
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 1 June 2006 @ 10:51 PM
Theodora
Oh, and Snape? You totally just made that up.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 2 June 2006 @ 12:21 AM
Usama
Comment by JCamasto — 2 June 2006 @ 1:07 AM
Vaclava
No, I didn’t. It’s from Harry Potter: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Severus_Snape
He’s the bad guy. Only, really, he’s a good guy. Only now, he’s a bad guy again. GASP!
I’ll change it to “Severus” if you like, but “Severus” can’t so easily be followed up with “…ON A PLANE!!!!1OMG”
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 2 June 2006 @ 8:07 AM
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 2 June 2006 @ 8:11 AM
Widanong!
Comment by Jason Godesky — 2 June 2006 @ 8:12 AM
Jason, names you just made up don’t count. It has to be names other people made up.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 2 June 2006 @ 8:12 AM
It’s based on names other people made up.
Comment by Jason Godesky — 2 June 2006 @ 9:04 AM
I’d have to go with Severus firstnamus, but hey, it’s all good.
Now, when the next hellicane finishes off New Orleans - whoever’s name hits wins a paleo popsicle. And a sandbag.
—–
Seems there’s a preponderance of names ending in “a” or “ah”…
Comment by JCamasto — 2 June 2006 @ 10:45 AM
Okay, here is the definitive list of the REAL 2006 Atlantic hurricane names, handily compiled for you by the good people at the Anthropik Network:
1. Adolf
2. Bertha
3. Claudius
4. Damaris
5. Earl
6. Freya
7. Gaylord
8. Hagar
9. Ignatious
10. Jessamyn
11. Kunta
12. Legna
13. Meldanen
14. Nevaeh
15. Obadiah
16. Pawylleighn
17. Quigley
18. Rapunzelle
19. Snape
20. Theodora
21. Usama
22. Vaclava
23. Widanong
I’m making it an official Anthropik policy to use only these names when discussing the 2006 hurricane season. Example: “Hurricane Gaylord penetrated the city of Miami late last night, leaving behind a frothy mixture of wreckage that can only be described as ’santorum.’”
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 2 June 2006 @ 11:13 AM
I think when we do get to Hurricane G, we’re going to have a lot more serious stuff to talk about than a funny name….
Comment by Jason Godesky — 2 June 2006 @ 11:44 AM
Dag. J’s puttin’ the reality brakes on our spontaneous example of open source cooperative free-play…
Comment by JCamasto — 2 June 2006 @ 5:19 PM
You see a list of evil baby names (in the official list), and I see a list of authors.
So on that note, here’s my suggestion for Y: Yasmina
Comment by Akshay — 29 June 2006 @ 11:06 PM