The Doomsday Vault
by Mike GodeskyApparently, it’s time for us to give up on the Fifth World project. No matter what we come up with, it won’t be able to beat reality. Such is the case in Norway this week, when construction began on what is being called a “doomsday vault.” The Svalbard Global Seed Vault, located near the town of Longyearbyen, will house 3 million of the world’s crop seeds in order to “ensure the survival of crop diversity in the event of plant epidemics, nuclear war, natural disasters or climate change, and to offer the world a chance to restart growth of food crops that may have been wiped out.” Now the nickname “Doomsday Vault” may sound dramatic. But not when you take into account the fact that they originally considered just putting up a sign that read, “Agriculture: Inescapable Even After the Apocalypse.”
The vault will use a cooling system to keep the seeds cold. And even if those fail, the temperature will still never rise about freezing due to the permafrost, which we all know will never melt.
At the same time, Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg expressed his approval of a recent recommendation by the International Whaling Commission to relax its ban on commercial whaling. No word yet on when construction will begin on a Global Whale Vault. If not completed in time, future generations will be forced to travel back in time for their whale needs.
Fortunately, the United States is on the job with the establishment of the world’s largest marine preserve near Hawaii. The preserve covers 140,000 square miles and is home to over 7,000 marine species. Because no one cares more about the environment than George W. Bush.
And thus was biodiversity saved.
Oh yeah, and polar bears are turning into cannibals. So try beating that with your little “blood magic.”
It was never the availability of seeds that led me to consider agriculture a dyng trend, though others have certainly expressed fears that genetically-modified terminator strains would lead to the extinction of all cereal grains in the whole world. (I tend to think it will simply lead to the extinction of terminator strains.)
The better question is, where are you going to be planting those seeds? Neither jungle nor desert nor glacier is exactly arable.
Comment by Jason Godesky — 20 June 2006 @ 11:35 AM
Never mind. It will be an interesting archaeological find for whoever comes next.
Maro
Comment by Maro — 20 June 2006 @ 1:04 PM
Hm… what kinds of defenses does this Doomsday Vault have?
I mean, not that I’m planning anything or anything.
Comment by Urban Scout — 20 June 2006 @ 3:14 PM
Just can’t wait to get your hands on all those crop seeds and get to farming those deserts, eh?
Comment by Jason Godesky — 20 June 2006 @ 3:20 PM
Well, they’re guarded by cannibalistic polar bears.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 20 June 2006 @ 3:27 PM
It’s an attempt at centralized control, dontcha think? You know, when the nearly starving masses have lost their seed stores due to (insert a favorite global-scale catastrophe), well, here comes agribusiness to save the day and make a hefty profit (are they going to patent the seeds that go in?). Of course, how they’re going to distribute said seeds post-catastrophe…. and what monetary system… oh well, nevermind. I guess I’m reading evil-capitalists into everything
Comment by neighbor — 20 June 2006 @ 7:54 PM
Oh, that’s just the tip of the iceberg of things that are wrong with this plan.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 20 June 2006 @ 8:31 PM
That will be the site that starts WW4.
Comment by Rick Larson — 23 June 2006 @ 9:11 PM
WW4? I think you skipped one. A little eager, are we?
Comment by Mike Godesky — 24 June 2006 @ 8:49 AM
Ha!
WW3 will be over oil!
Comment by Rick Larson — 25 June 2006 @ 7:50 PM
What’s with the smiley face?
Hahaha! We’re all gonna dieLOLOLOL!!!1!!
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 25 June 2006 @ 7:55 PM
Once your dead (inevitable), you won’t feel a thing!
Course, some of you youngers think to live forever.
Comment by Rick Larson — 26 June 2006 @ 9:30 PM
There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to Heaven or Hell. If you go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to Hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, that you won’t have any time to worry!
Comment by Jason Godesky — 26 June 2006 @ 9:47 PM