Sure, we’ve been expecting the end of civilization around here, but not like this. I never could’ve predicted this. All the more ironic, living in Pittsburgh of all places. Humanity’s last refuge, my ass. This place is a zombie smorgasbord. See, that’s the dirty little secret behind all that heavy drinking—a lot of us have been expecting this ever since our most famed native son, George Romero, sounded the warning, and the wisest have been killing as many of their brain cells as possible ever since, so the zombies would ignore them like lions ignoring a lean gazelle.

At first, it was actually kind of hard to tell anything was amiss. I walked to work like always, passing the same people with the same glassy look in their eyes, going through the same motions of their day-to-day routines, with that same, lifeless expression of envying the dead. The odor was just a little stronger than usual, sure, but it’s Wednesday, and you’ll have that sometimes. Of course, I’ve been trying to warn people for a while now. Like I said before:

When they got our superheroes, it was all over. Now, we see them everywhere. Behind the counter at retail stores, that unliving gleam in their dead eyes, barely mustering the capacity for human speech—or on the other side of the counter, ravenously consuming their precious goods, mindless throngs stumbling with that glazed look into the stores. Is it any wonder that at the conclusion of the 2004 “Z-Day” incident, the “mobile deceased” were so easily employed in the service sector? …

They are already here, all around us, and there was no massive battle, no terrifying outbreak. It came slowly, insiduously, silently … and now, they’re everywhere. Almost everyone here has caught the infection. They live only to consume … they are already dead, but they keep walking around, driven by their need for more and more. Brains, of course. What else would I mean?

Then one of them lunged at me and tried to bite me, and started muttering, “Braaaiinsss…” That’s when I started to figure out what was going on; when else would you ever hear such concern for brains? Obviously, this was the long-awaited zombie apocalypse.

Sure, I’ve expected mass extinction, global climate change, peak oil, and soil depletion to pose a challenge that civilization’s complexity, pushed beyond the point of diminishing returns, would simply be incapable of keeping up with, leading to eventual collapse, but that’s a process that takes time. One element I definitely did not take into account was the undead. People kept telling me I wasn’t accounting for that special “X factor,” and of course, I always told them that pretty much all the believable “X factors” would be things that would make civilization collapse faster. I guess I won that bet. If anyone’s still alive after this, I’ll have to figure out the value of $20 in bartered meat…

If there’s a hope for the future, it’s that zombies are pickier eaters than koala bears. The only thing they’ll eat is human brains. So eventually, they’ll eat up all but the most well-protected, hidden, tiny groups of humans, adn the zombie hordes will die back, taking the pressure off of us so we can repopulate. Unfortunately, that will just make a nice, big herd for the remaining zombies, and then you can expect a zombie population boom from all those people who get their brains eaten. Some hope, just to become food for some other animal. How can anything live like that?

I’d thought that Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide was just a fun approach to the kinds of skills you’d need in case of any kind of social breakdown, but now, I’m taking heed from some of the book’s very specific, no-nonsense suggestions, like, “Blades don’t need reloading.” We’ve got two swords and enough knives to make V jealous. I’m just thankful we got a high gas mileage vehicle—it’ll be a while before we’ll have our next chance to fill up.

This city’s done for. It’s completely overrun with zombies. I’m going to have to get my family and make for the hills. Or, more accurately, the Plateau. We’ll have what we need up there, and we’ll be far enough away from the feeding frenzy here. If we make it out alive, I’ll try to update you on the situation up north. For now, take care of yourselves—this is it.

Anthropik out.

Previous Anthropik zombie coverage:

• The Ecology of Zombies
• The Zombie Apocalypse